I'm going to buy a van!!! ("huge huge huge revelations")
August 5, 2022, 6:10 pm
Lake Worth, Fort Worth, Texas
Mom & Dad's new house
As I return to The Wild Way Home, and where it began ... or shall we say, really got off the ground ... I search for writings around the time of when I really decided to leave my hometown of Cody, Wyoming and my family's Double Doc Ranch behind, buy my van, and hit the road.
It was during an 11-day retreat in mid January, 2021 (during which time I celebrated my 31st birthday), spent in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, with my cousin and best friend Cat at her parents' home, that I for sure decided to leave my childhood home and ranch behind (once again).
Notably, during this retreat in Tennessee, I was only able to receive these larger insights about my life when I was completely off my phone for several days ... and ... with a little bit of help from Mother Mushroom.
It was upon coming back home to Wyoming, sitting at the square wooden table of my tiny log cabin with my dear friend Meredith, that, inspired by Meredith's own nomadic lifestyle, I decided the way I would leave Cody would be in a an RV or a van, and where I would go would be the Open Road.
During this time period, I wasn't really writing or recording my own word documents and voice memos the way I do now (usually daily).
And so, I knew the best place to find my recording of this decision would be in my Whatsapp voice memos with my friend Kesia, in our newly budding friendship and incredibly intimate sharings.
What more authentic way to reveal to you, dear reader, my explosively enthusiastic decision to buy a van and hit the wild unknown road, than through my correspondence to a dearly beloved friend?
...
Before getting to my messages to Kesia, I begin my van revelation with photos I took on January 16, 2021.
From my Aunt Nancy's bookshelf I "randomly" selected Khalil Gibran's The Prophet. I then "randomly" opened it, knowing whatever pages appeared before me would contain the meaning for which I was searching in that moment.
Now it gives me goosebumps (aka truth bumps! -- thanks to my friend Karlyn for turning me on to this revelatory phrase) how this segment of The Prophet speaks about the House, and how we might "build of our imaginings a bower in the wilderness ere [we] build a house within the city walls" ... and how "your house shall not be an anchor, but a mast."
What an eerily appropriate excerpt to prelude the The Wild Way Home, during which I indeed learned to make my home in the wilderness, sailing from piece of public land to piece of public land on the mast of my van.
*** note, since these photos were taken, my beloved Aunt Nancy, whose book this was, has passed away. It feels even more meaningful and sychronisitc that Aunt Nancy's book (and books, as you'll see, in the writings below) guided me so very much to begin The Wild Way Home. I now see how much Aunt Nancy was with me in inspiring me to take this journey, and how much she is with me always.
I highly recommend reading the below excerpts ... underlining by Aunt Nancy.
January 21, 2021
typed message to Kesia
Sent at 1:38 pm
from Cody, Wyoming
"Before I say anything else ... I’ll just tell you:
I’m going to buy a mini rv ... or van ... and hit the road with Peter, Rosie, and Lady. I think I will probably go south first cause, weather, AND, I would love to come see you this year if I can!!!
Huge huge huge revelations about my own destiny and autonomy and childhood wounding, and how being back here [in Cody and my childhood home/ranch] choosing to be under my Dad’s control and dependence (to any degree) is something that was sooooooo obviously something I was missing as far as being so fucked up and constricting and blocking to me. Many things, among them tarot, therapy, and Mother Mushroom, helped me to see things for what they are while I was with my cousin in Tennessee. And ...
I AM FREE and I AM GOING and Divinity Ranch comes with me!!!!!! Along with pups and kit. Obviously it's tragic to leave the horses (I cried basically uncontrollably for three days straight), and my friend, and fellow Queen, Meredith, is staying and taking care of them … as long as she can work for my Dad — annnnnd she can do it a lot more healthily as she is not his daughter still trying to heal deep childhood wounding specifically relating to him.
ANYWAY much much more on all the processing of family and male dominance, and how none of this Land or these animals are actually MINE … soon … AND lastly, and most importantly:
I am leaving because it is what I desire: To be free to support myself on my own conditions, and to have my voice and being and expression be ABSOLUTELY free to express my full self. …. And I feel like a lot of males that are similar archetypes to my Dad in this society certainly may not like it. But ...
IT’S TIME FOR ME TO ACTUALLY BE FREE TO BE IN MY OWN POWER, and this is something I am so blessed with the ability to give myself right now.
It’s fucking hard, and it’s fucking what my heart is begging me for."
[And the blessing and the curse are one; that which allows me to get away is the very thing from which I desire to differentiate myself. Much of the funds that will allow me to buy my van and go on this journey come from my parents: When we were born, my parents bought my brothers and me life insurance policies, and this year they gave them to us all. Cashing out on this policy is what's blessing me with the ability to do this.]
... January 21, 2021
voice memo to Kesia
11 minutes 41 seconds in length
sent at 1:56 pm
from Cody, Wyoming
"[sigh]
Well, when I sent you those pictures from The Prophet the other morning, that was when I first got off my phone ... I needed to step away.
I love all the correspondence. And, it's about checking my intention, right? Cause, I was getting to that point where I can’t even enjoy some of the most enriching conversations I’m having — for instance with you — because there’s constantly so much coming in on my phone, and I have this feeling that I have to respond to everyone.
I also needed to get away from that because it was obviously a metaphor for this larger thing that was going on.
I read an amazing book while I was in Tennessee, a book I found on my Aunt Nancy's bookshelf, that was pretty life changing in perspective. The woman who is the author of this book has immediately become such a mentor to me — Polly Young Eisendrath; she’s a Jungian psychoanalyst — and the book is called Women and Desire: Beyond Wanting to Be Wanted.
And holy fuck, so many things happened that exposed my unconscious.
It exposed how, when I don’t see what is unconsciously driving me, then, sure, I might seem to have a lot of amazing things going on on the outside...
... but, maybe underneath that, I'm not willing to shine the light on how the way I see the image of myself and the image I'm projecting out into the world is unconsciously driven.
For instance, for me, my own self image and outward projection continues to be unconsciously driven by still trying to get my father’s love and approval. I'm still utterly unconsciously driven by this original childhood wound.
When my cousin and I did [psilocybin] mushrooms while I was in Tennessee, her intention was to reconnect with her sexual self, and mine was to get in touch with my inner child.
My cousin is becoming a Licensed Clinical Therapist. She has her Masters in Social Work. So all of our time together consists of these deep, therapeutic conversations.
Throw in tarot readings with other friends, Mother Mushroom, and being with this fellow Woman who is from the same family as me — we know everything about each other’s histories; we’ve known each other since we were born — and these really obvious things become apparent. Things that just flipped our whole fucking narratives.
It's that rebirth, that re-emergence, that uncovering, that shining the light onto this big unconscious dark spot …
For my cousin, she’s going through a divorce, and she felt like this was being done to her. She felt like this wasn’t what she wanted. She was so angry. And then, during this mushroom trip, it became so obvious. Like, oh my god, she didn’t even like sex with him! And yet she'd been made, by him, to seem like this frigid person, like something was wrong with her, like she was the one being shunned for this. When really, it’s like Dude! You’re dodging a bullet, by divorcing this guy! This is what you want!
And it was so amazing. I can’t even describe the change in our conversation and the energy of everything from her as she entered into ownership of that. As it became her saying, No, I want to sign the divorce papers; this is what I desire.
A big part of this Women and Desire book by Polly was realizing that yeah, we do create our own reality; there are things we have power over. And, we have to uncover the unconscious woundings and subjugations that are running us. And then we really have the power to change. Polly showed me a lot in this book. It’s going to change a lot of things for me.
So what my inner child showed me during this trip is that I’m unconsciously run by this feeling of wanting to finally get the approval and attention of both my parents, and especially my Dad.
And so maybe this is why I’m not doing certain things like speaking out about politics, like speaking more as a feminist. Like talking about sex and, you know, talking to women …
I'm realizing how much of this has come from what Polly writes about in this book — that we as women are trained to be objects of desire.
We — people in general, and especially women — are literally trained to care more about what others like about us than about what we actually like ourselves. As women, if we don’t uncover what's unconsciously informing the way we experience the world, we literally live our lives trying to be this object of desire, trying to be this perfect image for whoever it is that we’re most unconsciously trying to please. And then we never are able to be the subject of our own desires — of our own heart’s desires.
And so much of what I want to do here on my family’s ranch, these are my heart’s desires ... but I don’t have control over those desires here. I’m putting myself into a repeat of this original trauma of helplessness, and of a feeling that my ideas not being accepted or taken seriously.
And yeah, I feel like I can get my Dad’s love when I am good and perfect and in relationship with him by just doing everything he wants to do and wants me to do. And then I feel like I have to just take what I perceive as all the disrespect and disregard that comes with that, no matter what I do.
So anyway, I know this is a lot. I hope it doesn’t feel like it’s being dumped on you. I’m just really excited about it, because I’m really excited to be living.
And for divinity ranch to take on a lot more feminist energy and a lot more sexual energy and a lot more of what my heart really desires.
There are so many fascinating, fucked up unconscious things. For instance, on my YouTube channel analytics, the majority of my audience is — guess who? Men. Especially older men.
And sure, there’s a lot you could say about that. There's nothing wrong with that. And, to me, it feels obvious that, unconsciously, this is whose approval I was trying to gain. So if I want to gain the approval of people who are unconsciously the archetype of my Dad, then I feel like I don’t need to ... or really get to ... talk about politics; I don’t need to, or get to, make clear what my ideas are, nor have to ... or have the courage to ... get behind them. Oh nooooo, it’s better to just be peaceful and not talk about that stuff and just talk about loving everyone …
So I’m having an awakening, and I’m really excited.
And I am hitting the road.
I see my future. I feel like I’ve been let out of a cage.Not that life wasn’t great here back at the home ranch, in a lot of ways. And I'm thankful.
It’s just that feeling of how it is when you've been missing a really major point. And you do all these other things, and they’re all really great, and yet ... you are avoiding the one thing you really need to see here.
That's what I was doing.
So anyway, this is really long, and I look forward to hearing from you. I missed you. I missed talking to you a lot.
I’m assessing myself, my intentions, and where I’m coming from in a lot of the relationships that I upkeep. And yesterday I was talking to my Mom about you and our relationship as we were listening to your CD on our way up to go snowshoeing in Yellowstone, and I was talking about relationships that feed me. And I feel this relationship is that.
I love our connection with horses, and I'm looking forward to getting to be with you around horses. And not in a place where I feel like people are constantly shitting on and putting down what's important to me with horses — what I know is the essence of horses — relationship. The relationship between horses, and ours with them. And so I’m really excited for us to be together in that way. And hopefully one day it can happen back here in Wyoming.
I don’t know what’s going to happen.
I just know I cannot autonomously grow into the woman I am when I'm unconsciously and compulsively putting myself under the dependence and control of my father. Which is my own choice. I can’t have a good relationship with him when I'm doing that.
I have a lot of issues; he has a lot of issues. He’s like a microcosm of President Trump in a lot of ways, seriously. Which is something I’m going to have to deal with everywhere. What I perceive and experience as misogyny and ignorance, and all of these things. It’s just — I don’t need, I don't want, that to be happening from the person who originally inflicted those wounds on me, or who I originally associate with those wounds.
And I don’t blame him. I'm sure all the relational dynamics with my Dad just reflect his own trauma and the relationships he was modeled.
I want to be in healthy relationship with myself and with him. That’s why I’m leaving. I'm leaving because I want to leave. I want to go out. I thought I was going back to Australia for another year in 2021 [after my original year spent there on a Working Holiday Visa in 2019]. Then covid happened, and Ollie and I broke up, and all my plans changed, and I realized I couldn’t go to Australia …
But I kind of forgot I’d spent six months imagining spending this year living life on the road in a van in Australia, back when I thought I was going back to Aus for my Second Year Working Holiday Visa ... which is not happening.
So, fine.
Why don’t I just do life on the road in a van here in the US?
...Yeah. There’s a lot.
Okay. I’m going to send this now. I’m glad to be back connected. I look forward to hearing what’s going on with you.
I hope my frantic explosion of energy doesn’t feel too frantic.
I do feel very excited.
I basically went into hibernation. And I’m like,
Hi I woke up!
And I figured it all out!
My dreams spoke to me!
And I get it now!