i want it ALL
January 24, 2021
Cody, Wyoming
i chose it all
Acceptance is the most valuable gift I give myself and others.
That being said, I accept all I have given myself thus far. I allow my unconscious its sweet victory. I allow myself to see and accept all of what I've wanted for so long.
For instance, I allow my unconscious to revel in the victory of wanting my voice not to be heard.
I allow myself to see my small and degrading and fucked up desires and acknowledge them as my own.
...I am done wondering why things in my life are the way they are.
They are because my unconscious wanted them that way.
... Because on some level, I wanted them that way.
To quote Carl Jung, más o menos:
"If we do not become conscious of our unconscious desires, we will be ruled by them, and we will call it fate." It’s okay to have wanted to be safe and good, to have wanted to stay small and not rock any boats.
You win, unconscious!
I am not upset; I am overjoyed. Because now I understand.
How comfortable and beautiful it has been, this safe place where those I love devalue me and those I devalue give me the love and attention, the lavish affection I so desperately desire, just not from them.
How sweet, unconscious, it has been to be able to go on and on about my potential, and get off on my inability to reach it.
How sweet it has been to worry about money, and not having enough of it, to live in circumstances of lack in my own sphere so I can count on others to provide for me, sabotage myself (deliciously) back into a position of being controlled ... a position of being taken care of, a position of being dependent.
bet you didn't expect me to be down with THAT, did you?
See, this is where the divergence happens.
This is where I do something different.
You, old me, think I’m going to chastise myself for these "bad" things I wanted and gave myself; you think I'm going to say it’s time to STOP, that I'm going to call it ugly, that I'm going to pound that part of me to pieces.
Not at all!! Don’t you see??
Herein lies my power. My power is pronounced and presented in that which I already have made: My life.
Every part of it.
Look at what power I had to keep myself small and dependent and alone, quiet, without a mouth for Goddess' sake! Hoarding my writing away as my own treasure with the sick (and beautiful! And true! Of ME! Of my shadow, of my unconscious!!!) desire that people will only find my writing when I die, and then they will see how good it is, and they will understand how much they underestimated and undervalued me.
I give my unconscious the celebratory win even in death! For in such fantasies, that is exactly what I desire and give myself: underestimation and devaluation of my worth!!! This is what I give myself, and of course what I project back onto myself from others.
I am getting exactly what I wanted and what I want!!!
It needn't be shameful, like, "Well, I just got what I asked for..." *sighs and casts gaze down at the ground, closes eyes, covers them with a palm, sighs again* ….
No! it’s more like, FUCKING AWESOME!!! I GET WHATEVER I WANT!! *fist pump!!!*
All I need do is become honestly, fully conscious of what I want. (HINT: "Having is evidence of wanting" — Carolyn Elliott, author of Existential Kink)
It’s time to enjoy what I have right now.
Why? WHY???
Because I asked for it on some level.
flipsides
I might be loathe to admit it, but sometimes I get my pleasure out of pain.
Because pleasure and pain live on two sides of one coin.
As Carolyn quotes in Existential Kink, the book that inspired this post and tied all this together for me,
"Fear is only excitement [or pleasure] without the breath."(quote originally by Gay Hendricks in his book The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level).
So anything I'm afraid of, on some level I'm simultaneously excited by.
I just feel afraid because my ego, my conscious mind — which has been shaped and tamed and trained by culture and society — tells me whatever I'm afraid of is not an acceptable thing to get excited about … to desire, to want to witness and experience … and so I reject that excitement as "bad" and consciously experience it as pain and fear ... even while an unconscious part of me revels in secret pleasure.
good or bad ...
How can anything be "bad" if it is here? Anything?
This is an illusion, a false dichotomy we have co-created to reject certain parts of ourselves, and therefore certain parts of Life itself.
Why do all the greatest spiritual teachings tell us not to judge?
Because there is nothing to judge.
EVERYTHING that happens keeps everything in perfect balance, yin and yang, dark and light, "good" and "evil." We and All That Is must be equal parts all these things as they form the Whole.
We’ve tricked ourselves and each other into believing only what's deemed as the "good" parts can be expressed (look what we do to "weeds", and what we do in so many of our interactions with the Land, keeping what’s "good," obsessively denying existence to that which we judge as "bad" in these frameworks) … And so we kill and hide and repress and insist on the non-existence of the darkness, the "bad," the "evil," the unconscious, the void, the Moon, the Feminine, the left, the other side, because that is so "bad" it cannot even be acknowledged, let alone talked about, let alone expressed.
Well, when half of us is that "other side," what are we saying to ourselves? What are we doing to ourselves?
Sad and sick and dour are just as much parts of the Whole as joy and vitality and exuberance … yes, there might be one side that is a "higher" vibration. And, in this energetic world, all the vibrations get their being from each other. The high and the low and all the in-between: Together they all comprise and compose the infinite possibilities inherent in the One Energy.
I've got to love and accept them all to really experience any of them.
I'm not experiencing any of life until I love it all; that’s the rule.
I'm not really loving any part of myself until I love all of myself.To know my full self, I simply look upon myself lovingly, my whole self, including what I've buried in my unconscious as unloveable.
I turn the energy of seeing something as "good" --- the energy of acceptance --- onto ALL of that which exists in my unconscious, both what my conscious mind would call "good" and what my conscious mind would call "bad" ... I learn to see it all as "good" in that I learn to be willing to look at and accept all of it as part of me.
how do i know what i want? (i look outside myself & see)
In a beautiful mix of metaphysical and psychoanalytic outlook, Carolyn Elliott points out I don’t need 30 years of talk therapy to know my full self, nor 100 years of meditation.
I can tell exactly what’s going on in my unconscious, which creates my whole life, as well as in the collective unconscious, which creates the collective experience.
How?
Just look at my life (and at the Life of the collective).
Literally everything manifest in my life has been manifested by the unconscious (individual and collective). Yes, I DO create my own reality. I really, really do … and it’s my unconscious that makes it.
get withOUT the program
The collective unconscious plays a huge role in what's manifesting in my life and the Life of the World.
Which is why it’s vital to understand the programs the collective has fed me and trained me in, the collective programs I continue to harbor and get off on (whether consciously or unconsciously is up to me).
Whatever I'm not willing to look at rules me. If I'm not willing to look in the dark of my unconscious, my conscious mind can insist all day long that I'm not at all racist or sexist or genderist or ageist or whatever. Meanwhile, unconsciously, on some level, I'm living my life (among other dark fantasies) getting off on putting down People of Color, women, queer and non-binary folks, and young or old people etc. because the collective unconscious has influenced me to do so based on the social paradigms and power dynamics in which I've been raised and imbued (not to mention the generational and ancestral and genealogical bias and programs I've inherited).
I don’t consciously register this (unless I seek to). And these biases might feel like fear or anger. Yet they are also desire. There are some super fucked up desires in my unconscious because some super fucked up shit has happened and been and continues to be imagined in the collective unconscious.
Goddess/God IS Imagination
I don’t mean fucked up in a way about which to feel guilty or shameful — it’s true of all of us.
Why? Well, to go to Neville Goddard, he points out God/Goddess is Imagination. And if God/Goddess is Imagination, then anything that can be imagined is God/Goddess, and vice versa.
I can imagine everything and anything. If anything I can imagine is God/Goddess, and I can imagine everything and anything, then how can I say half or more of it isn't allowed to be part of the Divine Whole?
I can't get rid of "evil" by ignoring it or pretending it isn't there; I don’t ever get rid of it at all … I consciously invite it to complete the Whole as it already unconsciously does.
Anything that seems to be "evil" dissolves in its designation as such as soon as I am willing to honestly look upon it and love it — that is, accept it — as it is.
(Look at all the fairytales about encountering a toad, or a hideous beggar on the roadside … Whenever a character is willing to stop and look upon them, to kiss them and love them and help them, the ugly turns into something beautiful. All that changed was the way they were looked upon and treated).That which seems hideous is actually beautiful if I look upon it with eyes that see everything as such. This is a great secret.
And so, if All That Is is Goddess/God, and God/Goddess is Good — God/Goddess looked at it ALL and said it was good — then I simply mis-see "bad" things as "bad."
Things seen as "bad" are part of the Whole, and thus must be "good" in their part in completing the Whole. And until I accept them as such, and love them as my own creations as well as Divine Creation (because I and we and Goddess/God HAVE created them, individually and collectively and divinely) … Then I am still ruled by these unacknowledged "bad" things due to my refusal to acknowledge them.
giving credit where credit is due
Unless I accept and love everything that has given my life to me like this, right now, every part of myself and the collective ... every secret desire ... I cannot be fully conscious of what I desire.
I accept my desire to be taken care of, my desire to be wanted, my desire to be found wanting, my desire to be in lack, my desire to be old (while my conscious mind and collective conditioning assures me I should only want to be young!!!) … I accept every "unacceptable" desire.
I must allow and accept every desire, because they already ARE, anyway.
I can’t keep things I've been consciously trained to believe are "bad" from happening by saying, "Well, that’s 'bad,' so obviously I don’t want that. I’m going to ignore those 'bad' things, and just focus on loving these 'good' things I also want, because I only am allowed to want more of the 'good' in the future, obviously."
To do so is to leave the little child inside of me, desperately seeking my approval, half unseen and unloved. She keeps trying to show me she’s doing EXACTLY my bidding. When will I see all of her and congratulate her on all her accomplishments, not just the ones my conscious mind and superficial self will acknowledge as "good?"
When will I look ... without flinching and denying ... at all of what my inner child has brought me? — My true heart’s desires — all of them.
She has, unfailingly, brought me what I truly wish, which lives in my unconscious. Right now and perhaps always, there are lots of sabotage-y things I really want, too, right alongside the supportive ones, and I have them!!! I have everything I want — "good" and "bad."
can't have one without the other
This is true on an individual as well as a national and global level, on to the Universal and on and on, infinitely.
Earth herself is a reflection of a whole piece of the whole of God/Goddess' Consciousness, like a human eye or a cell is one whole piece within the whole of our humanness.
The Earth, like us, contains matter and energy, particle and wave, light and dark, possible and impossible, manifestation and potential, sun and moon, right and left, up and down, over and under, short and long, life and death, yes and no, one and zero, good and evil …
I cannot love life and say that death is evil. I cannot ascend and damn the lowland from which I came (and to which I shall return).
I must love and accept absolutely all of it, trust it is part of a divine and colossal, unfathomable balance I cannot see in total …. can only experience in and for myself.
My experience of my own Wholeness comes through an unflinching feeling and witnessing — read: acceptance — of All That Is.
My pain comes from rejecting and resisting. Pain comes when I go only to my ego, to my conscious, judging mind, the one that tells me everything will be okay when there are only what I deem as "good" things in the world.
Rather than acknowledging that everything in this world just is.
Really, everything that can and does happen is "good" in the sense that it is God/Goddess. There can be nothing experienced, being, or imagined that is not Goddess/God … (there can be nothing that is that is not).
God(dess) is the Power that lights this whole thing up, as well as the darkness that gets lit. God(dess) is the Dreamer, and all within this is the dream.
i want it ALL
I want to be wild.
I want wild and feral and fecund things, dark things, strange things, "bad" things, degrading things. Things that go toward death and darkness and degradation … which is one part of the Whole.
The dark is not somewhere to stay away from completely, for it is only there, only by walking into and shining the light of my awareness in the dark, that I become aware of what I have not been loving.Things are only in the dark when I don’t love them.
That which is in my unconscious mind and not showing up in my conscious mind is only not there because I say it can’t be.
Because it’s too inappropriate, too evil, too bad, too sick, too pathetic, too whatever. And in all those judgements, I see I have very much deemed these part of myself and this part of Existence as not worth loving, not worth integrating. Not part of me and not part of Life.
taking my full power back
And that is where I zap myself of my power.
For those creations I refuse to love are as greatly indicative of my power as those creations I love easily.
I just pretend not to see my power reflected in the making of things I consciously refuse to acknowledge were made by me.
All in my life is made by me (and the ancestral and collective influence) … When I look at my life honestly and fully, I can see exactly what the fullness of my unconscious wants to experience in life.
My unconscious is raw, wild, dark, and untamed. It has not been preened and pruned like my conscious mind to believe only certain ("good") things in life are worth experiencing.
My unconscious is hungry — as Carolyn Elliott says, it’s freaky — and it’s all about the full spectrum of experience.
I don’t have to experience my unconscious desires as painful or wrong.
They are only painful when I refuse to acknowledge them as my own (or the collective's of which I am a part), and in doing so refuse to acknowledge my own (full) power. My own Fullness. My own Self.
To look at the whole of my life and Life itself is to look upon the whole of my creation and the creation of the collective.
I am ready to stop spitting on it and hating it and being afraid of it and claiming it’s not mine and not ours. It is mine, and it is ours, and it reflects my and our deepest unconscious desires as well as my and our conscious ones.
Again, as Carolyn says, "having is evidence of wanting."
If something is being in my life and Life itself, on some level, individual and/or collective, my and our unconscious wanted it.
So part of the trick is to stop pretending I don’t want these "bad" things — to acknowledge that some part of me on some level actually did want to experience them, because ALL of Life (and Death) is worth experiencing.
Actually, I am here to experience all of it. i am perfectly bad & good
Perhaps, if perfection implies a sense of wholeness, eventual perfection in the human experience will mean to have experienced absolutely all possibilities and states of being within the human spectrum of experience.
Not to have renounced any experience (or if one has, only to have the new experience of renouncing) … but to eventually have played all the parts, felt all the feelings, received all the acts, perpetrated all the acts, appreciated all the scenes and settings … from one end of the gamut all the way to the other, and back again, and all around, deeper, higher, spiraling up/down evermore.
As Mary Oliver points out: You do not have to be good.
I don’t! I'm not all "good" because I secretly want
a lot of "bad" things. And I am all good because
it’s ALL God and Go(o)dd(n)ess:
the good, the bad, the ugly —
All have to be contained within the Beauty-Full.
