practicing turning myself on
January 22, 2021
morning
Cody, Wyoming
Last night I affirmed a suspicion of mine that had crept in.
Call it a revelation.
I realized I’m excitedly telling people all these things I’ve learned about how to practice peace and relaxation so that when you get into a stressful situation, you’ll be able to return to those states. You won’t be so caught off guard; you’ll have practiced. You’ll think, this is no big deal, I know what calm feels like, and I can access that even in the midst of this chaos.
There is some validity to that, and it is something I practice.
Then it occurred to me that I literally never masturbate.
Like, never.
Never really touch myself, never pleasure myself … in other words, do not practice exciting myself sexually so that this is a state I can access for myself and by myself anytime I please.
It's like I think I need someone else to do this for me.
I don't need someone else to do this for me!!!
Yes, I can enjoy it with others. And, clearly, my own sexual knowledge of and practice and time and attention with my own sexual self can only make sexual union with another better.
That being said, what the actual hell?
It’s like going into personal relations with others totally blind, having done no work on myself and expecting the other person or people — everyone I interact with, in short — and the circumstances to set the scene and determine how I'll react.
I give all the power to my circumstances, and decide that’s how I’ll know. I haven’t spent time cultivating the states I'd like to be able to access wherever I go.
(yes I carry every eternal state inside me at all times, and I can access them at any time … this is why the Queendom of Goddess, all possibilities, infinitely, are literally within me, to be experienced and activated at any time).
That being said, if I haven't practiced activating and experiencing and noticing these states and their potential within myself, I believe it’s things on the outside that create my state of being, that things on the outside control my state of being, until I realize that actually I control my state of being, and that my state of being can be whatever I choose in the midst of any circumstances.
Then I take the power away from circumstances and return it to me because I know what states I’d like to feel, and I have the power to activate them because I’ve gone there and observed and explored myself and spent time feeling and practicing what peace and awareness and orgasm feel like, what meditation feels like, what making the exhale longer than the inhale and taking deep, slow breaths through the nose feels like, what closing my eyes for a second feels like, what being super wet feels like.
I know the tricks, from ancient Buddhism to Joe Dispenza to Self Cervix, I'm taking care to learn how to be my own master and take the power back into myself to create my states of experience, rather than letting other people and circumstances control the states I experience.
So it's time to really turn this theory on to the sexual implications.
Why would I give all the power to the one who is going to be sexual with me, literally feeling like I can’t, or might as well not, be sexual unless there is someone there to turn me on?
How do I even know what turns me on?
I expect them to show me.
Uggggghhhhh.
This devastatingly disempowered dialogue goes something like this ...
Well, geeeeee, I don’t know, I don’t know where and how I like to be touched. Why don’t you (insert big, helpless doe eyes) show me how I like to be touched, and since I don’t have a frame of reference from dedicated self clit and vulva and cervix love and study and practice, I really won’t even relatively know how much I like whatever you’re doing to me … but go for it!
I might think how a lover pleasured me was soooo amazing, for instance, and then one day when I really go to explore myself, I realize that was, comparatively, total shit, and holy shit howww have I never touched myself and realized how much I like this, and this, and this anddddd oooooohhhh yeessssss thissssss, aaaahhhh THAT feels sooooooo good! Why hasn’t anyone ever done that to me before?????
WHY HAVEN’T I EVER DONE THAT TO MYSELF BEFORE?!!!!?!!! is the real question.
And no, I’ve never had a vibrator, and I’ll be getting one very soon.
I am interested in myself sexually. I want to know what I like. I want to be the one to discover it, like an explorer going into an unknown land, a wilderness just waiting to be got lost in.
If I want to know how turned on states feel, then I want to practice them myself, on myself ... with myself, by myself.
To really have that power and embody that power — MY SEXUAL POWER! — it’s necessary to find it in myself, and then be able to show and tell others ... whatever the circumstances ... because I know what I like, damn it!!!
Cause I've done the work ... (and the playyyyy :P ;)))
I’m not waiting for someone else to show me; I’m not even waiting for somebody else to figure it out. Let me tell you what I like. Let me show you what I like.
And you can show me and tell me what you like, and we both have free will of whether we’re down for that or not.
We can freely and transparently, kindly, communicate our desires without an expectation or need for them to get met. It’s okay if they don’t.
One of the most vulnerable and beautiful things we can do for each other when we do enter into sexual partnership with someone else is create a space in which we can voice and share our desires, and accept and respect each other for that vulnerable expression, even if we don’t choose or wish to meet each other's (any or every) desire.
I cannot possibly communicate my desires when I don’t even know them, don’t even know what it is I desire because I've been so focused on what it is I think others desire in me ... 'cause I'm waiting for someone else, who I'm apparently desirable to ... to show me what I desire.
I want to know what I like. So I know the feeling of my own sexual power and turn on, and then I can access and demonstrate and activate and share that shit with anyone lucky enough to be my lover.
In the meantime, looks like it's time to delve deep into a journey of sexual self discovery...
Touching on some really vital points all along the way ;)